Be Selfish: Old Programming and the Permission to Receive

A Sunday morning soul session — just me this time. No guest, no agenda.

It starts with a $13 dog toy and a money spiral, and opens into something deeper: what happens when I let my higher self take the wheel. Through two meditations, I trace a money block back to the 16-year-old girl who became a mom too soon — and find an image that ties it all together: a child reaching for an ice cream cone she's not allowed to have.

The healing isn't in finally grabbing it. It's in being held while you savor it. 🍦

This one's about self-love as the thing underneath all of it — and the reminder that nothing's truly out of reach.

Link to Marketing Class: 

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1992439066884?aff=oddtdtcreator

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey, it's Stephanie. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Unwritten. I've had an interesting weekend, so I kind of wanted to just chat about it for a minute. And today we are gonna be talking about energy blocks. And I say that with a question because I'm not exactly sure that's the word that I'm looking for. So yesterday I was at Farm and Fleet and I needed things for the pets. And I saw this dog toy and it was $13. And all day yesterday I was kind of in my head about money and finances and when is when is this gonna get paid? When is that gonna get paid? You know, basic money block issues and when is the work gonna pick up and all that stuff. And what I realized was as I was weighing the pros and cons of this dog toy, this $13 dog toy, I uh started to laugh. And I laughed because I caught myself in the that like negative self-talk. And I laughed because of the ridiculousness of it that I spend so much of this precious life, this precious brain, this precious body worried about finances, which of course we worry, but you know, like how how much of that brain process really needs to go to that. And when I started to laugh, I was just uh a higher self coming in, being like, you're being ridiculous right now. Just buy the toy, don't buy the toy. Like there's no, this is not this $13 is not gonna make or break you and knock it off. And I kind of loved that idea. So I went home and I I still had that that laughter, that higher self kind of piece sticking to me. And I started to think about what would it be like if I just shifted my perspective from who that old person is, the the old patterns, the old money issues, the old blocks, all that stuff. What if I just shifted that to the higher self that sees everything and knows way more than I do? And maybe I could live a more enjoyable life. So I kind of wrote about that yesterday. And where I am is this when I feel that higher self, that wise soul, I can feel how it shows up in my body. I can feel it, my shoulders relaxing, I can feel my head held higher. And I can see the world differently from that base running crap that I was just talking about. And I can stop the negative self-talk and the negative other talk when that higher self is in charge. And then so I'm like working through this process, right? And feeling it. And then of course all the little things pop up. And one of the things that I've been dealing with lately is that moving in with my boyfriend and sock feels super aligned in so many ways for my higher self to thrive. And the only issue that I, and it's not an issue, but a thing is that he has children. And I thought I was done having kids. And I was never, I was never opposed to dating a man or any of that with kids. I just thought I was done. So there was like a disconnect, right? So I went into a meditation and I just wanted to know what this block was. And it ended up coming from my 16-year-old self. And I became a mom at 16 to and I had my twins premature. So they were three months premature. They weighed two pounds each. They were the size of my hand. So I'm sure all y'all are like looking at your hands right now. But yeah, from the the heel of my hand to the tip of my middle finger was the size of them. And the feeling that was kind of trapped in me, which was blocking this connection to my higher self, is that when I I when I when I went through that trauma, I wanted to be an adult, but I did not want to be a mom. At 16, I had, I, I had a lot of a lot of sadness around that, which is something I wasn't really aware of, but I felt it last night during this meditation. And that I just wasn't ready to be responsible yet. I wanted to have freedom as an adult, which at 16, if you get pregnant, you are treated a lot differently. I liked that part. I liked that all of a sudden I was not a child anymore. And like people were giving me more adult conversations, but I wasn't ready to be a mom. And I had to go in and soothe that 16-year-old self that was so afraid, so scared, and really did not have the support that she needed in that space. So I got to go in and be that responsible adult that held her and hold her. She was loved and really made her feel safe and secure. So came out of that meditation. I was like, okay, that's really cool. I feel so much better now. I understand where it's coming from and I can work with that because I knew it wasn't really about the thing, right? It wasn't about moving in with my boyfriend and his kids. I knew there was something deeper because it's never about the thing that's on the outside. It's actually just a mirror to reflect something back on the inside that you need to work on. I need to work on. And so then going back to this money issue, right? Going back to the dog toy at Farm and Philly, I decided this morning that I wanted to go in again into meditation state and undo some money blocks, or or maybe not even undo. That wasn't the intent. It was just to kind of see where that was really coming from. And the most interesting thing happened because once I got into the meditative state and I I and this is what I do, I I uh put some, I think it's called brown, brown noise on in my headphones, and I put an eye mask on, and I completely just start letting go. And I start at my heart, I start at and then I just make it go down and I just relax my entire body until I feel like I'm in this spacious arena, I guess, or I feel like I'm in space and like there's just blackness and openness and and I can see. So I go into this space and I can see that my root chakra, the left side is lit up, the right side is not. And and it's going in a clockwise, but it's only going halfway, stopping, and then reaching back in. Basically, it's like a circle and half the a lit up circle and half the circle is unlit, and there's, you know, I just kind of keep circling, circling a circle. I'm repeating myself. And so I go into this state and I'm seeing this. And meanwhile, like my physical body, I can feel it. My right thigh quad muscle starts to twitch, and I'm on I'm realizing that this has been an issue for me. My right quad often hurts and it's often tight all the way down to my pinky toe on my right side. And so it's a physical and it's uh spiritual energetic thing happening. So it's happening on both fronts for me when I can go into this state. And so realizing, okay, my root chakra, where does that come in? And what what's how come that's not lit up? And that I can go back in and and feel through the ages of my body where it started. And it started in utero for me. I could still feel the open connection to source, but I was also like in utero. So my eyes were sealed shut, and I could still, I could feel the pain in my back in that space. And I know this sounds probably insane, but this is my life. And so I go in and from that point I start healing my body, right? So I I start imagining that pain gone and and my legs starts to kind of twitch a little bit, my toes in the real world, and I just feel myself sinking into this deep grounded state as this healing occurs throughout my entire existence. And so that was beautiful. And then I started, and here's the thing, because I started out asking about money blocks, and I know that it's a patient process. So even though I asked about money blocks and it's showing me this root chakra, it's showing me this pain that I've carried for a very long time. All of a sudden, I I trust the process and I know I'm gonna get to wherever it is I need to go at the exact time. And this is the cool part that happened because we were talking about this childhood wound or yeah, I mean, teenage responsible wound and how hard it was to open. And then I had to go in and love myself. So this morning's meditation was I I just saw this ice cream cone, uh, this waffle with this waffle cone ice cream. And it's I'm a child and it's out of my reach. And as well as grounding myself, slipping further and further into like a meditative state, this ice cream cone keeps coming up. And out of nowhere, because I'm as a child, I'm reaching for the ice cream and I'm not getting it. It's the one thing I want, it's the one thing I can't have, and I'm not allowed to have it. It's not good for me. And I'm realizing how much of my life I have felt like that ice cream cone is out of reach for me. The one thing I want so badly, desperately in the world is the one thing I can't have. And as this meditation gets deeper, the ice cream cone now is in the hands of this energetic life-giving force. And as the ice cream cone is coming down to me in this very strong hand, I'm also being held as this little child. So I'm I'm experiencing what it's like to enjoy an ice cream cone from a very stable, responsible, patient, loving, kind person energetically. And how good it feels to have somebody holding the ice cream cone along with my little hands and holding me up so that I don't miss a drop. I like I can just fully experience the ice cream and the waffle cone. And what I love about that is it's so similar to what I needed the night before with the other meditation of being a young teen mom and how I'd I'd shut down this piece of me of it's too much, it's too much responsibility, too young. I'm not ready to be a parent. I just want to experience life. I hadn't even experienced life as an adult. And here I am now having to be an adult as well as a mom, as well as a special needs mom, you know, all the things that come with all of it. And and for me, that block and the ice cream cone and the stuff I feel about money, it's all the same thing. And if I allow my higher self to come in and love me, and that's what healing is, really, is just allowing yourself to love yourself, to undo those blocks, to be that person that not only gives you the ice cream, but holds you up while you eat it. If we can be that to ourselves, then healing occurs. And we can't heal others, but through our own healing process, we can be a guiding light to help others see that there is a healing process to be had. And for so long in my life, I understood the healing process of so, but I never identified it as this idea of self-love first, this giving yourself the ice cream cone, this giving yourself the kind, responsible, patient, loving parental achievement to ourselves, and that's self-love. And what I've understood in the last 24 hours is that nothing is out of reach. It's asking for what you need and then allowing that need to be cared for and knowing you are receiving everything you've ever asked for. And then I took it just like a little bit farther, just for fun. Imagine the people around you that have loved you, that have hurt you, all experiencing this ice cream cone moment together. You're all being held, you're all being given the sweetest, most beautiful treat in the world. And you get to savor it as long as you want. It's not gonna melt, it's not gonna drop. You get to take your time and enjoy the moment. And for me, that healing, this visual, this idea that we're all responsible, we're all like we're all capable of being responsible, we're all capable of being patient and loving and kind. We have that in us. It's our innate, it's it's what l love is, it's what empathy is, it's what creates wonderful, beautiful, caring people in the world. We're all capable of being that, like the highest. I mean, think about the person that you think is the sweetest, kindest, most loving angel of a person you can think of. Like we're all capable of that on the inside. We are all, we all have that available to us. And I think that's just the most beautiful storyline there could be is that the greatest love story, the greatest hero story, it's all within us. We are all capable of being being that. And it doesn't cost anything, which is fantastic if you have money blocks like me. But it also, it also helps other people around us. Like, you know, growing up, it was you're selfish, you're this, you're that, and it was a negative thing. But that's just old programming. Like if you heard that when you were younger, just know that it's not real. That it's just something that somebody said because somebody said it, because somebody said it, because somebody said it. It has no validity, it has no repercussions of negativity in your world whatsoever unless you allow it to be that way. So go ahead and be selfish. Be the person that you want to be. And by being that person, you're just lighting up the world even more and you're making a bigger change than you can ever imagine. So that's my Sunday morning rant, my Sunday morning soul session for you all. And I hope you have a great day.