The Tower I Built (And Why I'm Leaving It)

After four years of living alone — building a life, a business, and a version of herself that finally felt safe — Steph is signing away her lease and moving in with her boyfriend. In this episode, she gets honest about what dating after 40 actually feels like: the judgment single women face, the walls she built after two marriages that left her feeling "not enough," and the moment she realized her safe, beautiful apartment had quietly become a tower she was hiding in. She talks triggers (freeze vs. fight), the little girl who wallpapered a closet to feel protected, and why real connection — not more solitude — is the next stretch of her growth. This one's for anyone who's ever built a life so safe it stopped letting anyone in.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hey, it's Stephanie. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Unwritten. I'm a couple days late because the episode that I was going to previously post, um, I decided not to. So here we are. And today is we're getting into August. And I think today I want to talk about relationships after 40. And I guess I need to talk to myself about it because I don't really know anybody that has had well, I guess I do. I guess I do. Um it's not the quote unquote norm to be um single at 45, but I guess it's not so bad. It's not so abnormal. I have to stop saying that. And how relationships are so different at 45 than they are at 25. And I think dating in your 40s gets kind of a bad rap because um there's this idea that if you're single at 45, then or in your 40s, let's just say that there's something wrong with you. And I guess to start, there's something wrong with all of us, right? Whether we're in a relationship or not, there's always things to work on. And I think in society's standards, that being single, yeah, obviously means that you must not be great at relationships, or there must be something wrong with you. And I guess I've gotten so used to that feeling that it makes, you know, I would say that's the hardest part, is is more the judgment of others than the actual being in relationships and the ebbs and flows of beginnings and endings, and marriages and divorces, and kids, and graduation, and all the things, right? So there's always, always, always things that we are transitioning in and out of in life. And talking about relationships seems to be taboo, and that single women are out to get your husband like keep us away from your husband because we're single and we don't have boundaries, and you know, honestly, I think single women have better boundaries than most married women do, just saying, because we understand ourselves better, and we're not just I don't know, I could be wrong, and I shouldn't say this because I'm not in a married woman's shoes, but I just have this idea that you know women are a lot of women in marriages are repressed, and they need their Saturday night with the girls to go whoop it up and uh go flirt with young men, like in the Dells or whatever. And I I could be totally wrong, but um I think the last like the the best part about being single, and I'm not single, single, I'm just not married, I don't live with somebody, but we're gonna get to that in a minute. Um I've lived alone for four years now, and it's awesome. So I've been single like the first six months of um after my my my marriage ended, we still live together because it took a long time to like get my apartment and all of that stuff. But so yeah, single for about four and a half years and living on my own for four, a little over four. Four years and one month. And I've learned a lot about myself. I've created a life that I don't have to run from, I don't have to drink from, I don't have to numb out from, and it's been challenging. And here's what I've created. I feel like I've created this amazing life. It's very safe. What I mean by safe is that I'm protected by my own self. I have created my business to sustain me and create things and be a guiding light for women going through transformations, and that's amazing. Holding space for women to grow and to realize their own power and to see their own power is like it's the best. And I have an apartment with an amazing view, and I have a beautiful dog and two cats and beautiful children that are now adults. So the chances of me wanting somebody's husband is very, very low. Uh dare I say zero, because why would I why would I invite that chaos into my life? First off, I had somebody tell me one time her and her husband were going through a hard time, and her husband had moved into the last apartment building that I lived in, and she was worried that like we were gonna hook up or something. And I told her that I a hundred percent would never hook up with a guy going through a divorce, much less a married guy, right? Like I have, I couldn't. I it's it's a messy space to be in, it's a very sacred space to be in. And as a single woman, I would not want a single second of that drama. So for all you married women that are worried that your single friends are gonna come steal your husbands, no, not gonna happen. Like we're we're too happy over here, not in that situation. And honestly, if your friend is gonna sleep with your ex or your soon-to-be ex or whatever, like not your friend. So that's that's a boundary that sisters should not cross. Anyways, so this is this is me, right? So you guys understand that I'm I'm happy, I'm successful, I have a so awesome apartment, and I feel like I've created a tower around me. And what I mean by that is that the safe space I've created for myself, while lovely, I feel like I'm ready to I'm ready for something else that I am relying very heavily on this I get I call it a tower. I feel like my apartment, my life has become almost not a prison, but like I've learned all I can learn in about myself in this space of where I'm at, and what's happening now in my life is that my boyfriend and I are moving in together, and we've been together for um we met last August, started dating last September. So, like we're about a year in, and let me tell you about this guy and why I am moving in with him, and deciding that um deciding that my single life, my awesome apartment, and like all of this stuff is worth giving up to take this next step with this other person. And first off, my soul just craves something new, something that's gonna challenge me, that's gonna help me grow as a human and make me a better person. And I feel like that's where I'm at, right? So my apartment is not creating the opportunities that my soul craves. And my ego is fighting my heart on this. My ego says, You are not gonna be safe, you've created this environment. Why are you changing? Like, you finally got where you wanted to be, and now you're just gonna like give up all your control and everything you've done, and you're gonna go live with a guy that has two kids, and like your kids are already raised, and you have everything, anyways. So that's like in my head always, not always, but that's where the the conflict comes in with it all, and I am saying this because yesterday I signed a letter from my apartment building saying that I am not renewing my lease at the end of my lease. I am not renewing, and I signed it, this document, and it kind of I wasn't expecting to feel so vulnerable after I signed it. Um, but I definitely did. I felt like I was being irresponsible that I uh shouldn't put myself in this position of somebody else taking my power, and it felt like I was being unsafe. And this is all ego, this is not heart, and because when I check in with my heart, I know what my heart wants, and my heart wants this new opportunity, and my heart wants this new this new quote unquote challenge to grow and and and partner with somebody else, and let me tell you why I am choosing this guy over um what I've already built, and there's something about so in my first marriage, I felt like um sexually I wasn't good enough, and my second marriage I felt like I wasn't good enough in life, home life, in like I never just felt like who I was was enough in relationship with other people, and when you feel like that for so long in different relationships, a I know that I manifested that, right? It's not the other person, like those people are just reflecting back to me my own insecurities, so no blame. Um also when when you feel that way for so long in in different relationships, you kind of just decide like okay, I guess I'm just not good at relationships. I guess like I should just be alone. And you kind of just put your walls up, put your guard up, uh, put your pussy in a in a little trap. Like, you're not getting out. And you, I just like that's how I was living. I was just I was just existing by myself, thinking like, okay, I have all these things around me, everything is amazing. I don't need a person to fuck up my life again. Because every time I'm in a relationship, I start dating somebody, anything, like all of these insecurities come up, and I don't feel like I'm good enough. So that's fine, right? That's how I was last summer. That's fine. I'm not great at relationships, I'm just not gonna be in any, and I'm just gonna like have an awesome summer, and I'm just gonna um be in relationship to myself for a while. And when you're in that space, it's kind of a magical space because then nobody gets to control you. You don't give your power away to anybody, there's nobody to give your power to except for yourself or your kids or whatever. And I meet this guy on a trail, hiking trail. And I will say this really quick, ladies, if you are looking to date a man that um, I mean, there's so many different things, but if you're looking to date a man that is working on themselves, I highly recommend going on hikes. I highly recommend going to the Sierra Club um store in Madison or Milwaukee. That's where those guys hang out. They're like there are plenty of single men around doing cool shit, and you just have to go do cool shit too. So that's my dating advice. I've been hit on a lot at Devil's Lake, and it would be great to see more women out there. There are some women out there, and I love that, but there's a lot of guys out there too, and they're just out there looking for their hiker chick. So go get them, tiger. And anyways, so so when you meet somebody and you're in that space of like, it's not terror, it's not lonely, it's not it's not anything other than you're just like enjoying your life. The people that get brought into your life because just as much as like I was saying that um oftentimes in the past, relationships mirrored back to me all my insecurities. When you're working on your insecurities and you're understanding that who you are is actually awesome, like you get mirrored back. People that not only think you're awesome, but they're working on themselves too. It's always a mirror. And I think about that in my own life too. It's like let's say everything's going really well, but yet my income, my work isn't going great, then what is that mirroring back to me? Like, where where am I seeping out energy? And I think it's really important to take stock in that. Like, where where are the things in your life that you're unhappy with? And it because all it is is just mirroring, it's just showing you where you can still, you have still have work to do. And so I meet this guy, and we're literally in the same, like a lot of the stuff that he was going through the last five years, I was going through the last five years. And the stuff I've been working on, he's been working on, and the things I like to do, he likes to do. And first off, it took me a really long time to trust that because I thought he was just catfishing me. Like, oh, you like you like to just eat meat, you like to go on hikes, you like to be alone, you like all these things that I like. What what is wrong with me? Like, why does this happen? And and it's e it's easy for me to in the past, it's easy for me to put all of my own needs aside and just focus on somebody else's shit. And what's happened in this past year is that I've been working on this relationship with this guy, and I've learned so much about myself through this experience that I want to learn more. And we've hit a point where we're very comfortable in our lives being alone, and we're both at the point in our lives that we're ready for another person to come into our lives on a daily intimate basis, almost as not a test, but um almost like to see if what we've learned about ourselves in the past years of our lives, if we have what it takes to still be ourselves and be in an intimate relationship where we are spending our days together. Like we're both curious about that. It's not about income, it's not about location, it's not about kids, it's not about anything, it's more a curiosity to see how far we've evolved and how far we can evolve with each other in our lives daily. And I think it's so cool. I think it's so cool because we have these conversations about things like um we were arguing last week, and I know what my triggers are, and I know my trigger response is freeze. And I learned over this weekend that his trigger response is fight, and how I can respond to his triggers, his uh his response to a trigger in a way that opens us both up. And he can respond to my triggers and how I react in the same space. So we're mirroring back to each other how we want the other person to respond to our most vulnerable self. Because when you are in a trigger response, whether it's fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, like there's so much self deprecation that goes into that because your ego is completely taken over and your heart just has. has shut down. And for me to be able to share that space that I have my deepest wounds in that has caused my relationships to completely be destroyed. Um to have that instead of destroying and and creating a a void, a space, to have that actually bring more understanding and more peace and more togetherness in a relationship is so cool. Like before I met him I asked the universe, I said, bring me somebody that I can explore what it's like to be human on this planet with. And I met that person. And while it's all fun and games most of the time like it's really about those hard times that make us grow together and as individuals too. But for so long in relationship I always felt like I was the problem. My emotions were the problem my this were the I was too much. I was too sensitive too reactive to this to that and to be in a relationship with somebody that's like oh I have that too it looks different it feels different but I understand and I can't ask for somebody that would be a better fit for me than than somebody that's been through it and maybe through it on a deeper level maybe not I mean there's no judgment against who's been through more shit but I think it's it's understanding and it's communicating and it's using these hard times to not make a larger crack in the wall but to build a new wall that's going to be stronger and sturdier over time. And so going from this weekend where we kind of had a breakdown of communication but then we built it back up to something that's really quite lovely and beautiful and knowing I needed 60 days to cancel my lease like it all just kind of like it came about and um I find myself this morning more ready to take on this new chapter of my life than I was a week ago two weeks ago three weeks ago whatever um and that's why I'm choosing choosing this this next step it's because I know that there's going to be difficult times and I know that if I were to stay in my own apartment and my own space there's going to be difficult times but they're going to be alone times and while I know I I will still need that alone time I'm also curious what it's like to be in conflict and have challenges with somebody that equally wants to grow together. And we were talking after our little argument and I said I know how I want to be treated in a relationship and I am working on creating that relationship with myself and I know I will always work on that it's never going to be done but I know that I have to have the relationship that I want with myself first and then I can create that feeling with another person and I've never had that before so I don't know and this was an actual conversation that we had about our argument this was me saying I don't know what I'm doing and all I want to do is is keep working at it and I've never been in a relationship with somebody that I felt I could say that to and they would understand without getting offended or whatever. It's like when you meet another person that just can meet you where you're at and they understand that they have issues and they want to work on them and it's not all about me. And that's a trigger too when I do feel that pressure like oh man like this feels really heavy on me right now and I don't know what to do like being able to say these things and I think what it's all kind of come down to is that nothing really gets pushed under the rug and you have to find the person that you are comfortable saying in the moment this doesn't feel right this doesn't feel good this seems like you aren't understanding where I'm at whatever it is whatever you're feeling like you have to have a person that can represent that back to you to hold that space to not get offended or if they get offended to talk about it. Because all we are is is is reacting to things that have happened in the past and for me I know that if I get quote unquote triggered it's because of something that happened in the past and it's not even happening now. My brain is just going back to those moments and shutting it down. This isn't safe because XYZ happened to you and um and that's something I learned over this weekend like oh shit like him rescheduling plans and me getting upset has nothing to do with him rescheduling plans and me getting upset. It has to do with something that happened 10 years ago that really upset me that never got resolved and now it's coming up now to get resolved. So if I don't deal with this now in this moment in these feelings and and and get allowing myself space then it's it's going to keep repeating itself and for the majority of my life I didn't realize that speaking about it and talking about it was actually the safest space to be I thought the safest space to be is to shut my mouth stay quiet get out of the way so I don't get hurt and and realizing that I've created a whole world around that safe space where I will not get hurt and and I've done it so I've I've rocked that so hard that I literally have an amazing space where I won't get hurt. And I understand that there was a little girl inside of me that needed this to happen so that I could be where I'm at right now to realize that I really don't need this space to make it happen. I know when I was a kid I had a little closet and I wallpapered the closet because it was my safe space and and um I've just been that little girl that's been scared and hid away and avoided conflict she's done really well for herself and now she needs to take a rest because the world I want to live in is not alone anymore. The world I want to live in is not a very pretty uh shelf in a closet that I can hide in the back of and no one's going to see me. The person that I am is someone that will always understand that we are all that scared little girl in the closet and I just have to know myself well enough and trust myself good enough and know that the safest place to be is wherever I am. And when I start feeling those feelings of kind of like that shutting down of flight of fight that it's just that little girl inside of me that's just like you know what I want to go hide in the closet now and and maybe giving her that space but also loving her enough and loving myself enough and loving my heart enough and and loving people enough and this world that we live in and this desire to experience so many things that I have to be willing to not go into that corner anymore. I've experienced so many wonderful things in my life and the majority of them have been alone and there's been a few instances with my boyfriend this summer where I've I've just been I've been in those spaces of absolute bliss and and he might be 50 feet away um in a creek bed looking for rocks or he might be in a kayak downstream fishing but he's there and I'm allow I'm allowing myself to have these moments of bliss and happiness while sharing space with somebody else and I want to explore that further and I think that's the beauty of dating in your 40s to roll it all back into and I will say also this is just like a funny side piece but um I will say makeup gifts after a fight are way better in your 40s than um probably most people that are married get you know I don't know when you fight and this is for the married people like and you know like what the man does after a fight do if anything but I will say that um makeup gifts are way better when you're dating than they are when you're married. So maybe um maybe if I get married I'll miss out on that but um I would much rather I I do think that when we when we're dating in our 40s and our 50s and our 60s that we get to grow and we get to experience and we get to there's there's definite positives to it. I've never been online to date so I don't know what that is it sounds chaotic but I assume it's similar to to just living life as an independent person it's like you just you learn to you learn to get what you get receive what you receive it is what it is and you just move on and there's no safety there's no there's there's nothing like that you know um the only safety that you have is in your heart and for so many people that heart is that scary space that heart is we think it's hiding away so that no one can see us and that no one can hurt us but that safety keeps us from living a true life I remember being in Iceland on top of a mountain by myself and feeling this moment of pure happiness and I remember being at Arches in Utah and it's so beautiful the sun was setting and I was just at this place that I was just in awe of by myself and all I was doing was recreating that little closet I've been recreating that little closet everywhere I go because for me that meant safety but what happens when you're in a little closet is you don't get to experience connection and you don't get to see that there are other people in their closets as well being scared like if anything this whole these whole last five years have given me so much empathy for everybody that's going through so much stuff we're all going through so much stuff and so many of us are afraid to talk about it and yet the only way to get through it is to talk about it and and that is life. That is like we all get to experience life how we want we get to choose but we have to make sure we're choosing life from a healed perspective and not choosing life from the little girl perspective because the little girl is always going to want you to feel safe she's always going to want you to be alone and she's always going to show you all the reasons why you should be alone and the evolution of our soul of our spirit is connection so somewhere there has to be a lifeline and it starts with yourself to build that connection with yourself and then just watch the world expand and watch the people that show up into your life it's like being on the ground and then being in a hot air balloon I can only assume like you get to see a different perspective on what it means to be on this planet in this earth earthly realm. And that is life ladies and gentlemen so thank you so much for listening I am going to head on with my day thank you so much and I will catch you next time